eat it

It's come up more that once.  It's time to set the record straight. 

I am not a husband stealing ho.

I will admit freely that once upon a time, I was a boyfriend-screwing ho.  I learned a lot from that experience, not the least of which is that one's own self respect is the center of one's self esteem, and acting like a ho is as painful and damaging to you as it is to the other people your actions affect. 

The woman who's boyfriend I had a (stupid, unsustainable, ridiculous) affair with never did forgive me.  I kind of wish she would, but I understand why she doesn't.  For the way I acted back then, I have a good deal of well earned shame.

But let me be clear about this; I have no shame where it comes to my husband, because I didn't do anything wrong.

Here's the story.

We met at a picnic; his wife was there.  I was attracted to both of them.  They were pretending they weren't married.  (Their reasons for doing so were between the two of them and not mine to reveal or judge.)  I flirted with both of them that day.  After that, I flirted with him on the computer for about a week until he told me that he was married.  Then I called him up and yelled at him - I told him that I wasn't going to be his excuse to get out of an unhappy marriage and that he better look to his own house and quit with the bullshit.  I told him that I could be his friend but as he was married that it would not go farther than that, and that he needed to work on his marriage and not some new relationship with some new woman.

Shortly after that his wife wrote me a long email asking me to stop speaking with him entirely - she listed all his faults, then appealed to my - I don't know what - sense of mercy?  The letter was weird, though - it was written to a woman who was a lover, not a friend.  This was confusing to me - but I told her that while I wished the two of them and their marriage the best, I was not responsible for her marriage - she was, and he was, and it didn't have shit to do with me, and me speaking or not speaking to him wasn't going to make a lot of difference - the only thing that would was their relationship getting better.  And I wished her luck.

I thought that was the end of that weirdness but somehow (I've forgotten how) I found out that he'd tried to leave her "for me".  When I heard that I was livid - I made it clear to him that I didn't want someone who would dump someone for someone else without dealing with the issues underlying the first relationship - honestly trying to solve them, and if that failed, end the relationship for it's own sake rather than the sake of another.

I was pissed after that and for the next two years was rather cold with him whenever he IM'd me.  I was polite enough, but beyond polite conversation all I did was encourage him in his attempt to repair his marriage.   When frustration  overcame him I pointed him right back at her - "talk to her, tell her how you feel" and when they were doing well I was genuinely happy for them. 

I'd my own life to live, 3000 miles away, and I was busy.  He was someone I chatted with on the computer about once every 3 months.  It was - whatever.

About two years after that initial meeting, he IM'd me told me that they were getting a divorce.  His wife started writing about her emotions about it in her blog.  He started seeing other people.  This also didn't have much of an impact on me.

Some time later, he IM'd me and asked if he could stay at my house one weekend - he was planning to come out to see some friends who were visiting that weekend.  I didn't think anything of it when I said yes - plenty of people have crashed at my house before. and plenty since.  It'd been two years since I'd met him, and we'd spent about 6 hours together.  I didn't figure it would be a big deal - I think I'd even forgotten that I found him attractive.  Two years of IM's is a long time to sustain interest, and I hadn't.

So I was unprepared for the strength of my attraction to him, and his to me.  We dated, but I wasn't ready face the idea of falling in love and he wasn't ready to give up being single and dating lots of people.  We saw each other frequently but casually - until I it was clear that his wasn't something that was gong to go away in a few months.  We talked about our feelings (how terrifying that was), and we began to discuss monogamy.  We agreed on a date by which we would become monogamous or stop seeing one another.  On that date, monogamy won.

All of which is just to say;  I didn't have shit to do with the termination of his previous marriage.  That was and still is between the two of them, and it was something they both lost by playing badly.  He and I don't intend to make the same mistakes - ours will be different, and they will be all our own.  I would not have married him if I didn't think that between the two of us, we have the skills and qualities necessary to handle those mistakes.  But if we don't, it's not someone else's fault.  The blame will lie squarely where it belongs - between the two of us.

So we're back here again.  I have a shitload of food in my house that needs a special effort to get eaten because otherwise it will sit there forever.

There are four big problem areas: 

The Fridge:
This is both most and least problematic.  It drives me crazy that food sits here and goes bad and gets thrown out, but at least the food goes bad and gets thrown out.  This means that we don't run out of refrigerator room all the time, and when we do, there's a simple solution - throw away anything that has green crap on it or has gone scary slimy.

The Freezer:
It drives squant crazy that he always has to re-pack the freezer every time I buy something frozen because all the other frozen shit I bought is still in there threatening to tumble out and kill the cat everytime you open the freezer.  Also it's just not good that I buy frozen food and don't eat it.  The problem here is that I always want convenience, but when it comes right down to it if I'm too lazy to cook one night we're going out for a burrito.  (Diet update - the definition of "burrito" has been expanded to include the possibility of a taco salad which is good.)  Hence, the freezer fills up.

The Cupboard:
It's just chock full or rice (4 or 5 types probably) noodles, canned food (I'm guessing we have 8 cans of assorted beans), a box of vegan egg replacer? etc.  This stuff needs to be eaten.  Period.  That's why we buy it, right?

The Earthquake Food:
Under one of the cupboards is a stash of what we refer to as "earthquake food."  This is a collection of food with a long shelf life that does not actually need to be cooked - things like polenta, canned soup, dried fruit, nuts, etc.  The problem with the earthquake food is that long shelf life != infinite shelf life, and that food all needs to be eaten and replaced periodically.  I'm proud that we're as prepared for the BIG ONE as we are, but it's time to revolve the stuff out. 

Unfortunately, first we've got to tackle the Fridge, the Freezer, and the Cupboard.

All this just means that we're lucky as shit that we have the choice to take on the burden of trying to eat everything we buy.  Yes, the motivation is really more miserly and completionist than it is being aware of the starving world, but you can't complain about all the damn food you have to eat without thinking about those with a much more real complaint about food, unless you're a terrible person.

I try not to be that.

Game that might make me buy a PS3:  Little Big Planet.  OMG awesome.

http://kotaku.com/gaming/littlebigplanet/clips-littlebigplanet-242305.php
Thanks to squant for the link.

We all showed up a minute or two late, and the first ten minutes of this roundtable were an exercise in groggy.  One of the GDC volunteers asked if we minded if he sat in on the session – the more the merrier, right?  Then things got more interesting and transforming than I’ve ever had them get at GDC – including the year I won a tiny HDTV from Microsoft.

The maker of Super Columbine Massacre RPG Danny Ledonne was there, and he talked about why he’d made the game and what happened next – I won’t pretend to quote, and I will get some facts wrong, but here’s essentially what he said.

I was a high school student in Colorado during the time of the columbine shootings, and overnight the atmosphere went a from normal high school to “If you question in any way that Dylan and Eric were poisoned by video games to go to school and kill their innocent peers, now your name is on a list of kids who might bring a gun to school.”  There was never any real analysis or though put towards what happened – how these kids got this way, what might have made them view their peers and teachers as they must have to pull the trigger.  I needed to do something to deal with it for myself, so I started thinking and researching with the thought that I’d make a documentary.  At some point I decided that since the news outlet unquestioningly accepted that video games were to blame, a documentary style video game of Dylan and Eric’s last day from their point of view would be the way to make my point about the absurdity of the claim.

It languished unknown on the website for a while, and then it hit the mainstream media, and I was completely unprepared for the PR nightmare which was to follow.  I did my best and tried to explain my motivations as well as I could, and the media completely ignored me.

Then I got a call from the head of the Slamdance Festival – they wanted me to enter the game.  I told them that it was problematic, that I’d midi-ized nirvana tracks without a license, that there were deeply disturbing images included.  They said fine, that was fine.

My first indication that they might not be ready to deal with the reality of this game came when they called me and asked if I minded if they screened it in an adults only screening.  Of course this is adult material – or at least, if you’re old enough to pick up a gun and start shooting your peers, that’s when you’re old enough for this game.  A few days later they called and said the decision had already been made to pull the game, and they just wanted to let me know.  I asked them why, and over the course of the next two weeks, they game me these three reasons – never coherently.  1:  Legal Issues – would survivors of families of victims sue?  2:  Potential loss of Sponsorship – a red herring, because one of the sponsors of the event pulled sponsorship after the game was pulled in protest.  3:  Music clearance Issues – woe the Nirvana MIDI.

The only thing I ever worried about was hurting the survivors or the families of the victims.  I didn’t want to do that.

The GDC volunteer says “Most of the families were grateful that because of the RPG the subject came up again – it had been dropped so suddenly when another news story came along.”

And the moderator says “How do you know how the families felt?”

And the volunteer takes a deep breath and says “My name is _kicking myself that I didn’t catch his name_ and I am a Bullying Activist and a Columbine Survivor.”

Have you ever been in a room in which the temperature drops 20 degrees in about three seconds?  I have.

Here’s what I took away from that moment; I saw Danny Ledonne come abruptly face to face with the consequences of his creation, and I saw that one survivor at least (and I don’t know how many he really spoke for) understood and supported Danny’s reason for making the game.  As far as I’m concerned, being there for that moment was the highlight of my GDC, and it was my first session.  Both of the young men I’ve mentioned were extremely thoughtful, articulate people with a passion for the discussion about video games and culture.  I learned that Richard Costaldo (The kid in the wheelchair who confronts Walmart in Bowling for Columbine) wants to go into game design – and I’d not be surprised if he turned out to be the same.  Sitting there in that room I had to wonder if the event of Columbine was somehow the seed by which our medium will finally grow up.

The moderator pretty skillfully decompressed the room, and we went on to cover some other topics.  That discussion is rehashed for your pleasure here, in as much as I (or anyone in the room) was able to take coherent notes after the Columbine bombshell.

Cosmopolitan magazine and PG13 films depict more violence and graphic sex than any AO game – the rating systems are skewed, because people assume that interactivity makes the experience more visceral somehow.  Now why is that – what is it about interactivity that changes the experience so fundamentally?  We came to a non-unanimous conclusion that it’s not interactivity per se, it’s accessibility – parents know how to translate the experience of watching Governor Arnold mow down 47 bad guys, because they have had that experience.  Parents who don’t play video games are completely unprepared to understand what the experience of playing is like, and they are scared by their kids’ deep interest and the fact that every time they walk through the living room the kid is bloodily chopping at a high-res orc again.  In the face of this mystery (what’s in a video game?  Why does my kid like it?) an ESRB ratings system means nothing, because the non-gamer parent hasn’t a clue what kind of game content might qualify as T, or AO.

Athletic Performance:  Intelligent Believable Characters

I attended this particular session in hopes of getting a better understanding of ways to meld animation fidelity and player character controllability.  At first I was disappointed – they stated up front that “We are not dealing with the responsiveness issue here” and I almost left, thinking that it was going to be a tutorial on how to make your character move in a way to that looks totally convincing and makes the player put down the controller and walk away.

I am not sure I’m glad I stayed.  I came away depressed – EA sports is way ahead of the game.  How that monolith managed to cut the red tape enough to get this done, I haven’t a clue, but what they’ve got is a tool that blends procedural animation, mo-cap data, mo-cap clip interrupt-ability and intelligent blending.  This tool allows them to use one (smaller than current gen) set of mocap animations for any biped movement while blending in procedurally those signature elements which make the shared run the run of a famous basketball player.  They’ve got foot locking, center of gravity shifting, acceleration and deceleration, and analog directional changes.  The tool that I saw a live demo of looked to me like it was going to set the standard for visual animation fidelity and character controllability.

The proof was in the pudding to me – they hooked up the tool they were showing and the previous gen tool they used last time to the same input controller, and executed a series of moves and turns in place.  The new tool finished a full four seconds earlier, because it was able to take inputs in real time and transform the character to the correct animation without finishing the current mocap clip.

Women and Games in the Future

I don’t know why I torture myself with these – every year I go to the “women and games blah blah” talk and every year I am disappointed with the totally uninspired “we’re making progress! There are 15 more of us!  I had to stand in line in the bathroom today!”  It was really the same old, same old.  This year, however, I guess the excitement of the morning got me riled up – I’d hit my breaking point and for “question time” of the panel I got up and waved my arms around a lot and said “I’m really glad to see more women come by the booth when I’m working it, it’s great to see all these young women who want to be producers and programmers and scripters and environment artists – but where are the women who want to be designers?  What is wrong with you that you don’t want to determine the player experience?  Is it scary?  Can someone here tell me why increased numbers of women in this industry does not mean increased numbers of women in design?”  I’m sure it wasn’t as coherent as that, but it did stir things up a bit (though less than the guy after me who asked why we need to make games to include women at all.)
                                             
I think it’s time for some lively Post-Feminist women and games talks, yes I do.  More on that later, if I can keep my head of steam up.

Map Prototype Process:  Creating fun (Multiplayer) Gameplay Spaces While Minimizing Risk

This talk was a lot more relevant to multiplayer or mission based map building than single player action adventure, and it’s not terribly world-changing, but they didn’t claim it was.  It’s common sense for the Ghost Recon series, and listed in short below.

1.    Take map idea submissions from the whole team.  Reinforce this, so you get lots.

2.    Quick paper concept / top down maps help clarify exactly what you’re talking about and help you make big cuts early.

3.    Build a low res version of the map as fast as possibly while retaining basic texture repeat size and color.  Because this is ghost recon and foliage is really important to gameplay, put in your high res foliage in expected concentrations.

4.    Play the (multiplayer) map like crazy.  Get the whole team in on it.  Solicit feedback.  Ask what people liked.

5.    After the map has been certified “fun” and “doable” for the 3 most popular multiplayer modes, put it into art production.

6.    Profit.

That guy on the moped says “Thanks, [gribblet's company] for the first aid training you made her go to”

Walking away from the convention center after my late stint in the booth I heard an impact and turning around saw a guy leaping off his moped milliseconds before it crashed into the back of a Mercedes.  He hit the ground hard, and rolled down the street like a log maybe 4 or 5 times.  I managed to dial 911, tell them what happened and where we were, talk him into sitting down (He jumped right up before anyone could reach him and started moving the moped before the adrenaline wore off, and was more than a little shaky) I remembered to ask his name, tell him mine, and ask him if he had any pain.  I tried to keep him calm and at least kept him from standing up again and possibly making any injuries he’d had worse.  The fire department showed up and off I went after telling them what I knew and making sure he was cool with me leaving.

If I’d not had first aid training I don’t think I could have done any of that – I’d just have stood around like everyone else and hoped someone else knew what to do.  It’s funny how simple the required set of actions are, and how hard they are to perform under stress.  

... on woody frozen Halibut steaks...

What Was I thinking?
I was thinking it was late, I hadn't eaten all day, and squant mentioned we had a couple of cans of black beans.  Need food that basically makes itself.

Recipe
Cook in rice cooker:

• 1 1/2 c toasted quinoa
• 3 c water
• 2 tbsp corn oil

Mix together in 9 x 12 baking dish

• 1 triangle wedge of pepper jack cheese, grated
  
• 2 cans black beans, drained
• 1 medium sized tub salsa fresca
  
• Cooked quinoa from above

Serve in a bowl with corn (or in my case soy flax seed cause I like em') chips as silverware.  Put 1/2 avacado on each and a few dollops of good, hot salsa.

The Verdict
squant    "I was really worried when it came out of the oven that the beans and cheese and salsa would be overwhelmed by the quinoa but this is freaking delicious."

And it was.  Freaking delicious.  Also, cheap mccheaperson.

What Was I thinking?
Because of the counter project, a quart container full of beige powder labeled "Falafel" sits on the counter.  Well, if it's on the counter, we have to eat it then, don't we?  Besides, falafel is one of squant's favorite foods.

So I text him from work to ask him to mix it with some water so it has a chance to stand, and also to mix some mint in with some yogurt, because that seems kind of appropriate.  Because you know, I've never made falafel before.

Sometimes I forget that Squant has a whole year of gribblet's cooking under his belt, and he's a pretty sharp monkey.  So when half an hour later he comes back and says "It's very gloopy.  It's more like hummous than falafel mix.  I don't think this is right", I don't think "Something is wrong here", I thought  "My sweetheart still gets flustered by the kitchen, that's so cute."

"Add falafel powder" I text back, and go back to my trying to wrap up a hundred different things at work.

I get home, and find a bowl of beige gloop about the consistency of a good milkshake on the counter.  squant glowers at it while I mix the rest of the powder in.  "This is not right."  He keeps saying.  I am beginning to have misgivings also, but if there's one thing I know about cooking, if you're making something for the very first time and it seems to be going off the rails, trying to correct after things have gone wrong will just depress you.  Best to just carry on more or less towards where you think that barn is.

Recipe

Mix together:

• 1 quart beige "falafel" powder
  
• About yay much water

Also mix together:

• 1/2 cup yogurt
• 1 tbsp dried mint

• 8 tiny little pita breads
• 1 avacado
• 1 romaine heart, lengthwise
  

Take the beige goop and make it into eight patties.  Ignore squant's suspicuous muttering.  Decide to occupy him by asking him to fill the 8 tiny little cut pita breads with a tablespoon of humous, an eighth of an avacado, and some onion.

Put about 1/4 inch of olive oil in the bottom of a pan.  Heat on medium heat until sizzling, then gently place the patties in the oil.  Around this time squant will declare that he's not putting onions in the 8 tiny little pitas.  Your feeling is, at this point it hardly matters.  Decide that he'll be better occupied with something a little more challenging.  Take the one Romaine heart out of the fridge, slice it lengthwise, place each half on a plate.  Instruct him to "dress" the romaine heart.

Carefully turn the (ok, yes, it's probably hummous.  But not good hummous.  Some kind of budget hippie hummous or something.  How it got into your cupboard labeled "falafel" is a total mystery) hummmous balls.  Carefully, because the little fuckers want to fall apart.

Note that squant seems to be making pretty good headway against the romaine halves.  He's squeezed half a lemon over each, and sprinkled some sea salt.  A dollop of good olive oil and a few drops of balsamic vinegar, and they are looking kind of fancy and stuff.  Be impressed with his manly ropmaine heart mastery  as you prepare to slip the fried hummous balls into the tiny little pita halves.

Serve with a small puddle of humous, drizzled with a little bit of the good olive oil and some Tapatio.  Store the rest of the beige goop in the fridge for the next time.  While eating, point out those attributes that make the balls look more like falafel than hummous. 

The Verdict
As we are finishing up the meal...

Squant    "That container in the fridge..."
Me    "You're not wasting any time, are you?"
Squant     "Sorry."

Squant    "My belly is making sounds."
Me    "Gurgling, like?"
Squant    "More like clanging and whirring and a warning sort of beeping."
Me    "So you're saying...  you didn't really like the fried hummous balls."
Squant    "Sorry.  I don't mean to harp."

Otherwise known as oatmeal raisin flaxseed macadamia nut coconut cookies.

What Was I thinking?
I was thinking the counter project had just started, we had a four day weekend ahead of us, and there were a number of recipes on the interweb which alluded to the possibility of some delicious cookies.

Recipe
In one bowl mix:

• 1 c flour
• 1 c flax meal
• 1 c shredded coconut
• 1 c macadamia nuts
• 2 c oatmeal (1/2 steel cut irish style, 1/2 toasted regular flattish oats)
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
  

In another bowl cream together

• 1 c brown suga'
• 1 c wht suga'
• 1 c vegan buttery spread stuff

Then beat into the sugar mix:

• 3 eggs
• 1/2 tsp almond extract
  

Mix the two bowls together and add:

• 1/2 c raisins
  

Drop the cookies (about 2 tbsp worth) about 1 inch apart on oiled cookie sheets.  Try not to eat too much of th raw dough.  It's good, but it's better cooked.  Cook about 10 minutes.  Check, then cook for another 15 minutes.  Man, those suckers smell good.  Notice Squant staking around the kitchen.  Squant wants cookies.

Wait five minutes.  Use a very stiff spatula to scrape the suckers off the sheet.  They're stuck.  But oh, so freaking delicious.  Stop at 4 with a congratulations to yourself that you've done well.  Feed the same number to squant. 

The Verdict
He likes them.

These cookies will not last nearly as long as 24 giant cookies should last two people.  At my house, we had one with each meal.  Sometimes after dinner we'd have two. 

The good news is they are full of fiber.

They could probably stand to have the butter spread stuff halved, or even quartered.  Flax meal adds a lot of oil, so they were slightly more greasy than necessary.

In which gribblet and squant resolve to be completionists.  They clean out the cupboards and place everything on the counter that hasn't been touched in 6 months. 

The rule is:  each meal must include something off the counter until the counter is clean.

What's on the counter:

Counter Project

• 2 c Yellow And Green split peas (Woulda been more but some got away)
• 3 c Shredded unsweetened coconut
• 2 c macadamia nuts
• 3 Cups Whole ground flaxseed meal
• 16 RyVita Light rye whole gran crisp breads
• 2 13/5 oz cans trader joes light organic cocnut milk - 15% less fat than regular cocnut milk
• 30 Raisins - big fruity ones, too.
• 1 lb. Organic quinoa
• 1 box (6oz) safeway cornbread stffing mix - microwaveable
• 8 oz (by weight) Rice stik pasta
• 15 oz can low fat split pea soup
• 20 oz pineaple chunks in unsweetened pineapple juice
• 2/3 of a bottle blue corn atole (gruel)
• Shitload of "falafel"
• One betty crocker pie crust
• Some popcorn, about one movie night's worth for two people.
  

Hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.